Conflict in my spirit

[lovelevi]

CC,
just thinking about you this morning. hoping you are doing well.

Hugs,
Amy

[conservativechik]

Thank you for your thoughts, ladies and for the prayers that I know have gone up for me and my situation.
Some days I am all right and others are just a struggle to get through.
We recently had a conversation and neither one of us are happy. He has stated he can't imagine me w/anyone else, but stops just short of saying he can ONLY see the 2 of us together. Does that make sense? My kids have voiced the same thing. My heart just won't let me move forward and as much as I believe I'd like to be a wife again and I truly MISS that companionship, I just feel like I'm "standing still" and can't go ANY direction!
The loneliness at times is almost unbearable, even though I have a full time job, 3 kids, church life, etc. He and I were the BEST of friends and I think he's starting to miss that, too. He will call and talk to me, we'll even laugh at times (like before). I don't believe there ever WAS anyone else and there isn't now, either. I've had a few nice guys express an interest, but there is ZERO attraction on my part! I just can't picture that at all!
HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks,
CChik

[windward]

Dearest CC -

I have been looking at your post for two weeks and thinking, surely someone will offer her some wise advice, because my heart went out to you and to tell you the truth, I was kind of angry at your husband saying he couldn't imagine you with anyone else when it was his decision to leave. I thought you probably didn't need that! So anyway, I'm writing to tell you I'm thinking of you and praying for you - I'd hate for you to think no one cared. It's more like we're stumped. If you have a moment, I'd love to hear how you are doing. I have some thoughts, but I want to pray about them and know how your current situation is before running my mouth off . . . like I do Big hugs to you, sister. Love, Win

[PADIVAN]

I am with Windward here...just have been somewhat stumped on how to advise you...however, I do wonder if perhaps the LORD will use these feelings of loneliness to restore your marriage? Perhaps he is allowing your dh to hit bottom and realizing that the only way to peace and happiness is doing things God's way. God's way for him would be to be faithful to you and love you and nurture you...seeking your best interests.

[conservativechik]

Dear Win and Padivan,
Your posts came at exactly the right time! I can't tell you how MUCH I needed your support and loving wisdom. I've just been a wreck today, and I know it's because I've been praying for God to do "whatever it takes" in this situation. It seems every time I do that, the enemy fights as hard as he possibly can. I haven't heard much from his this wk because he was working a lot of OT, but I did have to see him today when he came to pick up my youngest. EVERY time w/o fail, I end up taking 10 steps backwards! He and I had an argument and honest before the Lord, I had NO intention of doing that at all. It didn't last long b/c he says he doesn't "have to do this anymore". He thinks that if he were home, that would be the norm. I don't know how to convince him that if he were here and we were working together and seeking God's guidance, that the dynamic would be so very different than before.
He has invited me to dinner a few times when he and my kids go out (twice a wk). It's bittersweet for me, b/c I do like to be asked, but afterwards, he leaves again and that just brings up the rejected feelings.
He says (in anger) that I prob make my children feel sorry for me by acting depressed, etc. I don't want anyone's pity, esp my precious boys! They are my heart and soul and what keeps me going each day!
I would appreciate your input/advice. You all just don't know what you mean to me!!

Thanks again,
CChik

[windward]

Dear CC-

I am so glad to hear from you! I was feeling sooooooooo guilty for not responding to your earlier post, so let me get to this one.

When you're husband says you're just trying to get your boys to defend yourself, he is consciously or unconsciously throwing up a cloud of dust to obscure the issue and put you on the defensive to alleviate his own guilt feelings.

Dear one, I am getting the sense that in some way your husband is insecure. He's reached his midlife crisis stage, and has decided he needs to leave his family in order to take stock and reevaluate his life and find happiness, find himself, blah-blah. I'm not discounting a midlife crisis - we all are subject to them - but there are different ways of coping with the need to toally reinvent your life other than breaking up your marriage. However, way, way, way, down underneath he has an inkling he might have made a BIG mistake and it scares him, so he wants to keep in touch with you, stay tethered to the mother ship, as it were, for security. He knows you love him. He knows you want him back. Just knowing that makes him feel secure enough to say "I don't want to." KWIM? Like a toddler. And every time he can provoke you into an argument or have an argument with you, then he feels justified in his decision.

Let me stress that this is not from the Lord but from someone who's been around enough to know how some most men's minds work. Don't be so available. The next time he asks you if you want to go to dinner, say, "No, thank you. I have plans." Smile. Your plans could be going to the mall or the nearest bookstore or a friend's. Your kids will immediately say "What plans, Mom?" And then you and say, "Nothing for you to worry about. I'll be home around 8:00" or whatever is about 30 minutes past the time he usually drops the kids off.

Here's the thing, sister: He divorced you. You are a single woman. If a man was interested in dating you, you wouldn't be 24/7 available to him when he's offering you nothing but dinner, right? (And I'm not saying you are 24/7 available, but your husband knows he's in the power seat right now. He knows you want him to come home.) So my advice to you is to act with your ex-husband the same way you would as if another man were showing a tentative interest in you. Have the same standards. Hubby gave up the right to have your undivided attention. And if some nice man that you don't find totally repulsive asks to take you out for coffee, go. It won't hurt to have that get back to your hubby. It may be a wakeup call for him. He can't have his cake and eat it too - I will be praying for you and hubby. It does sound like he's ambivalent about his decision. The Lord can work it out. But in the meantime, since he left, you don't owe him any obligation . Really. You don't have to defer or submit or kowtow or bat your eyelashes or anything. Keep your eyes on the Lord, and look forward. The Lord can restore the years that the locusts have eaten.
Big hugs to you, sis! Win

[Bondservant]

CC,

I haven 't resonded because quiet frankly I don't think I have anything nice to say, and also don't want to give false hope. I just want you to know I am praying for you.

Remember that song, "one day at at time sweet Jesus"? Well, God only gave us one day at a time because that is all anyone can handle. Take today, don't worry about tomorrow, but protect yourself & your spirit. Don't let him lift you up and then dash your emotions by accusing you. I do think at this time it is best to distance yourself somewhat, you still have a lot of healing to do.

Love those precious boys for me,

Melissa

[Erica]

Yes ... I do agree focusing on the Lord, wholly and completely This is what He calls us to do and He will do the rest! God bless you CC .. know that you are in my heart (all of our hearts I'm sure and we are praying for you!) Keep looking up ... God is a Restorer - of marriages and hearts - so no matter the decisions your ex husband makes, God can heal you and your heart!

Many blessings!
Much love in Christ,
Erica