ex boyfriend wants to help my son

[KYRAWILLIAMS]

Hi, I recently got out of a relationship and we still go to the same church. I have a child that is not by the guy, and he insists that I should let him help with the child. I told him that if he really believed he should be involved that he should join the children's ministry and deal with him there. The thing that hurts me the most is that while we were dating, he was involved in the child's life and insisted that I stop telling others that he was his dad, and now that he has decided to break up due to cheating and dishonesty, he wants to use my child as a pun to keep some kind of connection in my life. I told him that what is good for the gander is good for the geese. Since the relationship has ended, and he has abused his power to hurt and disresepect me, then why would I subject my child to a man's care with such low values and standards? What?! Does he think I am supposed to let him and his new girlfriend take my son out? He really has no remorse and is very inconsiderate of the entire matter regarding the pain of breaking up, being lied to during premarital counseling, and being cheated on with someone who knows that it is wrong. He says that I should let him see the child because his biological father is not around. I think I would clearly be compromising my own values and standards by letting him stay connected to my seed who is more valuable than he is giving him credit for. And I must reiterate that my son is not his biological child! The nerve of this individual! I am fighting to forgive this person and share the same church with him peacefully and by genuinely showing him brotherly love. Isn't that enough to contend with? And I can't even get my boundaries respected in the process of doing all this? I don't even trust a fornicator, so why would I allow that person to be around the child that he never even wanted to claim. What do you think? What would you do?

[Gentletouch]

Two thumbs up for you Kyra. You are doing the right thing. Do not let your fence down. He has no right to disrespect your desire if he is a good man let alone a good brother in the LORD.

"FATHER, thank YOU for good mothers who think and care of the influences their children are receiving. I loose from this man the disrespect he has for Kyra and her child. I pray LORD that YOU will surround them with YOUR power and YOUR love. I pray LORD that the man YOU have prepared for Kyra and her child will come when Kyra is ready to receive him. I pray LORD that she will not be cheated and deceived by someonew whom Satan will put on her way as a camouflage for the good gift coming from YOU. I pray LORD for discernment upon Kyra to know who is from YOU and who is not. I pray that YOU will supply her needs and the child. I pray that YOU will arrange people in the church nursery to intermingle with the child who will be a good influence upon the little boy. I pray LORD that he would not even get in touch the child until he had straightened his relationship with GOD in his life. I pray that YOU will send the child's guardian angel round about him to keep away people that his mom don'tr want to be with him. Thank YOU Daddy that YOU are involved in all the small and big details of our lives. We give YOU all the praise and the glory for who YOU are. I n CHRIST name we pray, amen."

GOD bless you Kyra. Keep up the good works sister.

Lots of love,

Gentletouch

[windward]

Dear Kyra,

First off, let me say welcome to the board, and secondly, how sorry I am you're going through this. That has to be rough, breaking up with someone because they were unfaithful and then having to see them in church and, to top it off, you have to explain to your little boy why this guy is not around anymore . . . and then Mr. Ex thinks he wants to play
Weekend Daddy. You're right. If he wants to see your son and continue being a good part of your child's life, then he can get involved in the children's ministry - and that's where you hit the nail on the head. It appears, as others have said, that he wants to alleviate his own guilt feelings so he wants to be able to occasionally drop by and take your son out to a movie or for ice cream or whatever with the new girlfriend (like that wouldn't be confusing), but not so much that he wants to make a committment to ministry, let alone you.

And since this guy seems to be a lightweight in the commitment and follow-thru department, I don't think you'll have to worry about this for very long. What I would do is maybe visit a friend's church for a couple of weeks and/or go to church at different service times. Give it about a month. By that time his feelings of guilt will have faded and his new girlfriend will have been with him long enough to get through the "I'll do anything to please my man" stage, and trust me, she will not be real keen on the idea of him keeping up contact with you and your son. She'll put her foot down and it will be too much trouble for him and he'll forget about it. Part of his motivation right now is his pride, because you're telling him no and it's embarrassing to him and he wants to feel good about himself and look good to the new woman, "See what good guy I am? That little boy needs me." Yeah, right. If you're not around for a little bit, he'll lose interest.

Boys do need male role models, but they need good ones, men of integrity, and it sounds like you escaped some future heartbreak down the line. I'm really sorry you have to go through this and I'll be praying for you and your son. God bless you!

[KYRAWILLIAMS]

thanks Windward, I appreciate it. Once again, confirmation of what I have had felt was best or for what others have recommended as well.