BROKEN BUT NOT DESTROYED

[STILLGROWING]

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED SINCE MAY OF 2008. I AM REACHING OUT HERE BECAUSE MOST OF THE PEOPLE THAT I AM SURROUNDED BY ARE NON-CHRISTIAN, AND I DON'T WANT THE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK THAT IS SURE TO COME BY DISCUSSING IT WITH PEOPLE "IN THE WORLD". MY DH AND I ARE CONSTANTLY IN BATTLE WHEN WE ARE HOME. HE WANTS TO FIX EVERYTHING, BUT HE DOESN'T COMMUNICATE IT IN A POSITIVE MANNER. EVERYTHING SEEMS LIKE A BRUTAL ATTACK, EXPRESSED BY WHAT I DON'T DO RIGHT OR WHAT ATTENTION I DON'T GIVE HIM. WHEN WE FIRST MET, NEITHER OF US WERE IN CHRIST. WE SMOTHERED ONE ANOTHER WITH SO MUCH ATTENTION, THAT NOW, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT IS UNHEALTHY, THIS IS WHAT HE EXPECTS. HE GETS UPSET WHEN I LOSE TRACK OF TIME AT MY RELATIVES' AND STAY OUT TOO LONG. HE SAYS THAT IF I SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH THEM IN A DAY, HE DESERVES THAT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. IF THERE IS NEVER PEACE IN A HOME, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO RUSH BACK TO IT? I KEEP EXPRESSING MY NEED FOR PEACE AND YET THERE IS NEVER A QUIET MOMENT. ONCE IN A WHILE, USUALLY FOLLOWING AN ARGUMENT, HE WILL DO SOMETHING NICE TO MAKE IT SEEM AS IF WE HAVE TURNED A NEW PAGE, BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER, IT BURSTS INTO A CONFRONTATION AGAIN. I BELIEVE HE HOLDS A DEEP INSECURITY OF INADEQUACY. I THINK BECAUSE WE SPENT SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER IN THE BEGINNING, WE NEVER GAVE OURSELVES A CHANCE TO BUILD THE TRUST WE NEED NOW. WE BOTH STRUGGLE WITH TRUSTING ONE ANOTHER.
BEFORE WE WERE EVEN MARRIED, HE HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND WHEN HE WENT OUT OF TOWN AS WELL AS LOOKING ON PERSONALS ONLINE. THIS WAS BEFORE WE WERE IN CHRIST. IT TORE ME UP INSIDE FOR A LONG TIME, BUT THEN WE FOUND CHRIST, I FORGAVE AND WE RECONCILED. IT WAS ONLY BY CHRIST THAT WE MADE IT THROUGH THAT STRUGGLE. WE WERE STILL WORKING ON COMMUNICATING BETTER AND WORKING ON TRUST(BECAUSE TRUST & FORGIVENESS ARE TWO DIFF. THINGS). WE GOT MARRIED FOLLOWING THAT STORM, AND A FEW MONTHS AGO I FOUND MORE PERSONAL AD SEARCHES ONLINE IN THE DELETED MESSAGES. MIND YOU WE ARE GOING TO COUNSELING WITH OUR PASTORS ABOUT OUR STRUGGLES AROUND THIS TIME. NOT LONG AFTER THAT WE FIND OUT WE ARE PREGNANT. EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING FINE UNTIL I HAVE A BAD DREAM. LADIES!!!!! DREAMS ARE IMPORTANT!!! MORE THAN SOME OF YOU KNOW. IF YOU HAVE A BAD DREAM, RECOGNIZE WHAT IS BEING SEEN AND EXPOSED. I HAD A COUPLE DREAMS. ONE WHERE I WAS SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND ANOTHER WHERE I WAS SLEEPING WITH A RELATIVE'S BOYFRIEND. I WOKE UP FEELING SICK WITH CRAMPS IN MY GUT. I CALLED MY PASTOR AND TOLD HIM MY DREAMS. I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW THESE DREAMS HAD COME ABOUT. HE SAID THERE IS AN OPEN GATE SOMEWHERE IN YOUR LIFE ALLOWING ACCESS TO THESE LUSTFUL, DEMONIC SPIRITS. I AT THE TIME WAS PREGNANT, SO I WAS BEING EVEN MORE CAREFUL THAN BEFORE ABOUT MAINTAINING MY POSITION IN CHRIST. HE SAID I SHOULD TALK TO MY HUSBAND ABOUT THE DREAMS AND SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY. MY HUSBAND COULD NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME, HE SAID HE NEEDED TO CALL PASTOR FIRST. A FEW MIN LATER HE CAME DOWN AND TOLD ME HE HAD BEEN UNFAITHFUL WITH SOMEONE WE BOTH KNOW AND SHE IS A BISEXUAL. IMMEDIATELY MY PASTOR AND I SET UP AN APPT FOR DELIVERANCE OVER ME AND THE BABY. THE DREAM WAS AN ATTACK TO STEAL "THE SEED", OUR BABY. I WAS DELIVERED AND SET FREE. WHAT NOW? I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND, FOR FEAR THAT HE IS NOT FULLY CLEANSED AND I CANNOT TRUST HIM. WE ARGUE BECAUSE OF THE OBVIOUS SEXUAL TENSION AS WELL AS HIM WANTING AN IMMEDIATE TURN AROUND. I HAVE A DEEP FEAR NOW ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF A ROLE MODEL I WILL BE TO MY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE IS BORN. I DO NOT WANT HER TO SEE OUR RELATIONSHIP AS THE NORM, AND I DON'T WANT HER TO BELIEVE THAT HOW I AM TREATED IS OK NOR HOW HE IS TREATED. THESE ARE REPEAT OFFENSES AND I DON'T WANT THE VICIOUS CYCLE TO CONTINUE. THE LORD CONFIRMED IN MY HEART WHEN I MARRIED THIS MAN THAT HE WAS THE ONE, OR WAS I FOOLING MYSELF AND I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE SHEPERD'S VOICE AS WELL AS I THOUGHT I DID. I CAN'T SEE THE LORD WANTING US TO BE MARRIED FOR A YEAR AND THEN ME BEING BY MYSELF TO RAISE OUR DAUGHTER. I DON'T TRUST HIM NOW AND WHEN HE GOES PLACES, I DON'T WORRY MYSELF WONDERING IF IT'S REALLY WHERE HE IS GOING. MY HEART HAS BEEN JABBED AT SO MANY TIMES THAT THE WOUND JUST DRIBBLES NOW. I HAVE CONTINUED DEALING WITH THE PAIN FOR SO LONG I'VE GOTTEN USED TO IT. THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD HAS INTENDED FOR MY LIFE, SO WHEN AND HOW DO I GET TO THAT WHICH HE HAS PROMISED ME??

[Gentletouch]

Hi Stillgrowingt, welcome.

Aren't we all are still growing? But there's a difference in the situation. To grow in CHRIST while in freedom is not the same as trying to grow while in jail. This verse will explain it well. Would you like to browse the topic "Want to get out of Jail?" Maybe you can print it and share it with your husband.

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a PRISONER OF THE LAW OF SIN at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Rom. 7:21-25.)



Gentletouch

[ozzie]

Stillgrowing, wow you have been through so much how painful and terrible for you. My heart goes out to you, your heart must be broken, your trust, your dreams would have seemed so bright and then wham, shattered. I am praying for you & will reply again after I have, because to tell you the truth, I honestly don't know what to advise you. I know what my flesh would say .... 'that dirty rotten cheating scoundrel, leave him until he's learned his lesson'. But like I said, I will reply when I've prayed for you my dear sister.

[lovelevi]

I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time.

My husband has cheated on me so I understand your feelings of confusion, insecurity, fear, etc.

All I can say is pray, get closer to God than you have ever been and stay there. I will be praying for you.

Do feel free to come here and just say what is in your heart. There are so many ladies here with great Godly wisdom!

[STILLGROWING]

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and support. Lately it has been a matter of trust. I can trust him to do most things, but trusting that he won't jeopardize our relationship again is something I'm not ready to let my guard down about. I have forgiven him, but I cannot pretend as if nothing happened. That's what he was hoping for when I had said I forgave him. We had not been intimate for two months, and I started having dreams again. Only this time it wasn't because of him, but because we had been abstaining for so long. As a married woman, I now have the desires of a married woman. Sexual intimacy is part of being married. I also think being pregnant and having my hormones going nuts on me isn't helping. These dreams were a little different, but they all had a similar view. I was lacking physical intimacy in my marriage and the enemy was attacking me with dreams because the gate is open. My husband opened the door for the enemy through sexual immorality and now I had opened the door by cutting not only me but my husband off sexually as a means of "protecting myself and the baby". Just when you think you have a way of cutting the enemy off, he leaves and then comes back from a totally different angle.
Anyways, I was recently intimate with my husband, but following the incident I just felt numb. Spiritually and emotionally numb. I feel very disconnected to God. I don't know if it's because I let myself down or I feel like because we were intimate, he will expect that things are ok when they are not. I don't know how to bounce back. I was in the word constantly following the incident, and now I can hardly bring myself to read a couple pages a day. Any suggestions?

[windward]

Dear Sister,

First off, and I know this may sound silly, but , sweetheart, you deserve a new posting name. We hope you stay around for a long time and we want to walk with you through this time as the Lord guides you and leads you and your hubby to a place of wholeness and restoration, and I do not want to confirm over and over again that you are broken, KWIM? You remember that old song "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down?" That's us as Christians. We do get knocked down, and through God's grace He raises us to our feet again.

Secondly, I surely do understand your feelings. I remember when I was pregnant, I felt very "amorous." That's the hormones kicking in. But when you have that physical desire coupled with very real trust issues, it would seem to be that unconsciously a person's desire for self-protection would kick in, kind of putting up a barrier so that you wouldn't be vulnerable, hence the "numb" feeling.

I am sure it is very hard for you right now, and I will be praying for you. The only thing I know to do when my husband has hurt me deeply is to rely on what God tells me to do in His Word. He doesn't tell me to withhold affection, or verbally castrate him, or make him pay - which I dearly would like to do - but He does tell me (command me) that I am to forgive, seventy times seven, and I am not to repay evil with evil but to repay evil with good, and that I am to bless people who curse me (or hurt me). Well, that's totally beyond my capacity without His help and really stretches me to the limit even with His help. However, I have found that when I step to the side and obey God and leave the consequences to Him, some amazing things happen because then I have cleared the decks for the Lord to a) help me and b) deal with my husband as He sees fit. Our normal human inclination is to protect ourselves and/or fight back. To NOT do that feels sooooooo weird. At that point you are saying to yourself, "Okay, God, I feel like a big doormat here. I am so angry I could bean my husband with the lamp and jump up and down on his head or I am so hurt and so without hope that I have to be an idiot not to walk out the door tonight, but, but, but Lord you say I should forgive, You say You will make all things new, You say that when I trust in You I will never be put to shame, so Lord, I'm gonna do that, although I'm hating every minute of it. Please help me." And at that point you are not relying on your own understanding, as it says in Proverbs 3:5, but walking in air
without a visible net, as it were, totally trusting God, and He promises us that those who put their trust in HIm will never be put to shame.

Please let us know how you're doing and how you're feeling. Big hugs to you - Win

[ozzie]

I think Win is right. My advice is to be completely honest with yourself first, don't try to convince yourself you're ok when you're not, because you'll just end up in denial & a big mess. Don't try to make out you forgive and trust if you haven't completely yet.... that doesn't mean you don't WANT to, but know (as Win said), you can't do this in your own steam. You need to pour it all out to Him, all the raw hurt, all the disappointments, even your disillusionment with God? Then when you've done this you'll probably realize that you really can't truly deeply and entirely forgive and trust without complete surrender in helplessness to HIM. It will be a process, it will take time.

[STILLGROWING]

I'm not quite sure what to feel or think at this time in our situation. I still don't feel that I trust him. I feel like I have forgiven, but I still question where he is, even when he tells me. The Lord says in the bible not to worry, but my old mind is used to leaning on my own understanding. This struggle is revealing so many weaknesses in my relationship with God. I am sure I am seeing these weaknesses only because He wants me to be strengthened in these areas of my life, but at the same time I am embarrassed at how many areas I need to grow in. When a Christian goes through down times, normally you try to focus on where He has taken you from, versus your current situation. Without a test, there is no testimony. Without a breakdown, no break through. What the enemy tries to do in my life to destroy me, I will lift up before the Lord. And He will take that situation and use it to glorify His name. This was an attack against the plans and purposes the Lord has for me and my family. But the Lord has seen and heard my cries, and He will free me from the works of the enemy.
It has been hard to recognize my husband as the priest of the home, even though it says so in the bible. I wonder how I can trust him to lead the home when he has trouble keeping himself where he needs to be. I am stubborn anyways and challenge quite a bit of what scriptures he comes to me with, when they seem out of context for the situation. I recognize that I need to be more humble and allow him to try to minister when and how he can. I also see that one week it seems like we are on fire for God and the next we are struggling to peek at the word for 5 min in a day. I know this is not what God wants, but I'm not sure how to keep that passion flowing for God. I keep praying about it, but I still seem stagnant. Thanks for all of your support!!!

[ozzie]

I have a verse for you:

Search me O God and know my heart
Try me & know my anxious thoughts
And see if there is some harmful way in me
And lead me on the eternal way
Psalm 139: 23-24

He is continually growing us & conforming us to the image of His Son - our walk is not to seek first happy circumstances (although it's definitely the way we want it), but to SEEK FIRST HIS Kingdom & His righteousness..... keep seeking Him, grow in your knowledge of Him by the word. Allow Him to humble you & He'll exalt you in due time.

[STILLGROWING]

Thanks Ozzie, for the encouragement. I know I need to continue to bring my struggles back to God and let him handle ALL of my life. I have always tried to be independant in nature, handling things on my own and not needing others to take care of my problems. Again, most of this is just an issue of letting it go and allowing Him to move in my life unhindered. Having faith that He will do it for me and trusting in His promises. I think that growing up in a home that was faith-filled might have made it easier for me to give more trust to Him. But I also know that it was not His plan for me to start my journey with Him that way. Everything happens for a reason and God's plans are too complex for any of us to understand, so all we can really do is trust that He knows what's best for us, right?

[ozzie]

Yes, trust is definitely part of faith... "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, rely not on your OWN understanding, In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Don't be wise in in your own eyes; fear Him, and depart from evil, it will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones" Proverbs 3:5-8

Also, Truth is what we need to base our faith on. You can have faith or trust in what you THINK about God, or even what others tell you etc. But how do you know it's truth? You must KNOW what you believe and why - this is the foundation of our faith.... Truth. Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no man can come to the Father, except through me" John 14:6

also "John 17:17
17Sanctify them [purify, consecrate, separate them for Yourself, make them holy] by the Truth; YOUR WORD IS TRUTH.

and John 14:16-17
16And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever--The SPIRIT OF TRUTH, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you.

The thing about God Stillgrowing, is that He doesn't want to overtake you, so you just mindlessly go along like a robot.... He wants you to be filled with the knowledge of Him, filled with the power of His Spirit ... that way YOU are doing it, but in His name, by His Power, for His glory and you get the benefits of the joy that brings, being a child of God.

When you are secure in who you are IN HIM, then no matter what comes your way ... because He never changes, you have your house built on the rock.

Keep seeking Stillgrowing & you'll find.